Let Peace Be Your Friend Tonight

Verse 1
There are red days, there are blue days
But, always there are grey days
There are good days, there are bad days
But, always there are sad days
There were my days, there were our days,
But, now there are only grey, sad, lonely days

Chorus
Like the change in the weather, when the sun won’t shine
Like the loss of your appetite and no more red wine
There will always be hope and a dream of times to come
There will always be a story and a cloak to hold you tight
Let tears wash away your pain and peace be your friend tonight

Verse 2
No money in the metre, the summer’s day so cold
Friendships held so dear are now passed and old
Rain upon the window, today no sun will shine
Boxes packed and our treasures stolen away
These clouds won’t hold a silver lining, come what may
With clothes all gone, empty cupboards echo your pain

Chorus
Like the change in the weather, when the sun won’t shine
Like the loss of your appetite and no more red wine
There will always be hope and a dream of times to come
There will always be a story and a cloak to hold you tight
Let tears wash away your pain and peace be your friend tonight

Verse 3
Whales echo your song beneath the beckoning waves
Foxes bark their mournful call across the moon’s haze
Alone in the depth of dark, no warmth beside you tonight
Did you ever share those moments or was it all in your head?
Will life ever hold any hope or only dread?
Tears sob your pain, there is no peace tonight

Chorus
Like the change in the weather, when the sun won’t shine
Like the loss of your appetite and no more red wine
There will always be hope and a dream of times to come
There will always be a story and a cloak to hold you tight
Let tears wash away your pain and peace be your friend tonight

Louise H Todd

Ooh string! - The Web we Weave

Went into uni today with Audit Chaos and took in my box of essentials. Emily showed me where she has been encamped recently on the second floor and I set-up camp next to her. Comfy chair, table placed at a jaunty angle, lid off box . . . let the games begin!

I am of course wearing my Stop Mental Health Stigma wristband from Charity www.sane.org.uk



I started by simply putting up a couple of posters relevant to Black Dog:


Having already planned to put up some sort of sign for Level 5, I decided to break open my box of alphabet stamps for their first use:


I had a rummage through my box and found my string, quickly followed by a moment . . . this is what happens when you set two Fine Art students loose in a studio with a ball of string!


This is all well and good, but how do you get back in and obviously out again?!

Slightly embarrassing when interviewees were shown around the studios whilst we were ensconced inside, oh well.

Summer Project - Silence: Black Dog

We have a Summer Project, to keep the momentum going and in preparation for Level Five. The first session back for us will be a presentation and review of the work. Last semester my work had the title Silence: Discovery & Exploration, partially in response to the work of John Cage. This project title is Silence: Black Dog, the title reflecting my learning and exploration of the condition Dysthymia, long term depression, which I have suffered from for most of my life. The term 'Black Dog' was first coined by Sir Winston Churchill in his struggles with depression.



History
Aged 17 I went on a two week holiday, with two sisters, to Malia in Crete. We had a great time and arrived back tanned and tired. I told Mum I was going to go upstairs and unpack, and feeling tired I laid down for post holiday recovery nap . . . I didn't wake up until the next morning. Apparently, Mum wasn't surprised, I had obviously looked really tired.

I returned back to work, but the tiredness continued and a short while later I was diagnosed with Glandular Fever, nicknamed 'the kissing illness'. This was to prove a horrible time and to have a long term effect on me. Initially you have no energy and sleep all the time and it was a long time before I could go back to work. And when I did I went back too soon, as my liver was swollen from Jaundice and I couldn't wear skirts or other close fitting clothes around the waist making sitting at the work bench uncomfortable too.

What they don't tell you when you're diagnosed with Glandular Fever, is that there will be other joyful effects to contend with: Neuralgia; legs cramps; for many years after I would suddenly be hit by overwhelming tiredness and have to lay down and sleep (confirmed by other fellow GF suffers); and depression. My Mother felt I was never the same afterwards.

This was the first time I'd felt like that, but looking back over my life, I certainly think I'd had a lot of issues as a child and I didn't find teenage years easy at all. I was tall and very thin, turned out I was iron deficient, along with a high metabolism, which had kept the weight off. I had low self-esteem, not helped by the fact that as a primary school student I had thought I was stupid. It turned out I wasn't, but I had little praise as a child and my parents weren't big on physical affection either.

A feeling of being misunderstood is something that has continued well into adulthood. when I first meet people, I tend to sit back and observe before jumping in to communicate and because of this people often make the judgement that I'm being stand-offish. I'm not really, I just feel happier to get a feel for who people are first, before I join in, probably a self-protection mechanism.

I had post-natal depression after the birth of my daughter and so when pregnant with my son we prepared to try and avert the recurrence, by having ready hormone replacement to be injected daily for several days immediately after the birth. Sadly this didn't work and I suffered terrible depression after my son was born, to the point that, if I hadn't have got the help I did, when I did, I don't think I would be sitting here now writing this blog.

I've had many bouts of depression since then, thankfully not as severe, but I've only ever seen them as individual instances and not linked, seems stupid now. A few years ago a work colleague pointed out that I always seemed to get down around October time and then start to come out of it in Spring, something else I hadn't realised before. Its amazing how unaware of yourself you can be.

Brittany Missen
In May this year, just before her 20th birthday, Brittany took her own life. She was a twin, one of my sister's four step-children and the same age as my son. I hadn't seen her much over more recent years, but spent some holidays together with my children when younger. My feelings are obviously nothing compared with her family's, but my daughter and I have struggled with it and so I have brought her death into the project, especially as her family have set-up a charity, The Red Lipstick Foundation to provide support, advice and sharing their feelings for families who have lost a relative or friend to suicide. My Mother was a regular church goer and I grew-up to many religious sayings and I can't help but feel, 'but for the grace of God go I' is particularly poignant.

There is huge stigma attached to mental health issues and it's particularly relevant at the moment regarding funding, or lack of, from the Government. I'm hoping I'm going to be brave enough to fully face and explore the 'Black Dog of Depression' and also the 'Black Cat of Anxiety' (as I see it) on this journey, I will do my best, but who knows, it might prove too difficult to do so at times.

Here is a video that describes depression beautifully and simply.


How am I at the moment? "I'm fine"

The last six months on hold

Back in December 2013, my husband and I started the process of purchasing the village shop in Kirton, with a view to living in the house attached and He running the shop, returning it back to its proper use, for the benefit of the village.

After months of complicated expensive solicitor's work and wondering why it was taking so long, not to mention almost going in to hiding to avoid the village, because we were fed-up of having nothing more to be able to tell them. We finally awaited the message to say we had exchanged and here was the date of completion, having finally packed all our belongings. The message arrived and Husband looked up and said "they've pulled out". "Yes, very funny", was my reply, but he wasn't joking! 

After all this time, with our lives on hold, our things packed and having planned how the shop would look, what He would stock and how we would have the house, not to mention the solicitor's bill, it was over. Disbelief and shock, how could they leave it till now to make the decision they didn't want to go through with it? Thankfully we hadn't given notice on our current house.

The obligatory phone calls where made to close ones and commiserations made and shock has moved in. Instead of Him being devastated He is actually relieved that at least we know and no more waiting.  I am glad in a way that the shop isn't going ahead, it wasn't for me, but I knew it was His dream to see it reinstated. I am devastated about the house. When we moved here it was only ever meant to be temporary to stay here, so we had hadn't really formed an attachment or really made any effort to make it homely, just unpack and make do.

Brief time . . .

Ok, well having taken stock . . . It's a lovely village, nice neighbours and we have a lot for our money here, we would have a lot less elsewhere. So let's make the most of where we are and make it home, be Mindful of our situation.

So we unpacked, but rearranging the house.  Swapped the lounge and dining room round, got rid of some things and put back the pictures. The lounge is now cosy and has the sun all day, with direct access straight into the garden. The garage has been tidied and sorted and the greenhouse cleared out and some seeds planted for the autumn.

My first year art work has been sorted and mostly archived, apart from some of the later work I have a strong attachment to.

We're going to have a bigger dining table and chairs for entertaining. A double bed in the back bedroom for prodigal son returns and guests, not at the same time! We have changed round our bedroom and finally started to make it homely. A shelving unit reminding me of when we were first together. We're nearly there, but I do feel vulnerable as a result of it all (more of that in a different blog).

He's thrown Himself into starting up his own business, as he had originally planned before this all started last year. Grass cutting, TV/hi-fi setup and tutorial and domestic cleaning, fingers crossed!

Me? I'm pottering in the garden, part time working, as and when, grandson minding and starting to look at my summer project. Blogging to free myself and trying to embrace the now and live in the moment, stepping away from negativity and Noise . . . Oh for Silence . . .

Yes, I am good enough!

I've finished my first year of BA (Hons) Fine Art at University Campus Suffolk with two firsts and a 2:2 for my essay, for this semester. Very pleased with the firsts obviously and was initially very disappointed with the essay result. But, having met with my tutor I understand why, know where I went wrong and more importantly know how to improve it.

I have come a very long way since the course began; from questioning my ability to do the course, am I good enough etc, to where I am now, feeling emotional at the lovely things written about me.